Well, you'd better sit for this one

(Yeah, it's that bad.)

I went to my oncologist's, Dr. G, on Monday, 11 January 2010.

There's no good way to spin this, so here it is:

1. Dr. G told me that the chemotherapy is not working and isn't even slowing the cancer down.

2. my lungs and liver are starting to fail.

3. I have roughly two months to live.

Yes, you read that last one correctly - "two months".

If, by now you are thinking that I'm being pretty brave about all of this, that's because you aren't here watching the streams of tears flowing out of my eyes.

Obviously this isn't what I wanted; I was hoping for another two decades but this isn't going to happen.

Please feel free to drop by and see me (or call) in the next two months. Please check-up on my wife and son from time to time. Finally, Marjorie and Kyle will be hosting a wake for me some time around my 47th birthday, 5 September 2010. Mark your calendars.

More good news

My friends Tim and Kris became parents of Sloane Smith at 4:30 AM on 6 January 2010.

Congratulations to Tim, Kris, and Sloane.

I hope life is sweet for you all.

... and Life renews its Promise

and even as Frank's nasty offspring eat away at me:

My friend John, who is ten years younger than me and survived two rounds of treatment for testicular cancer, became a father on 30 December 2009. Twins - a boy and a girl.

Congratulations to John and his lovely wife Robin.

And to Life, for letting me see it renew itself.

Sorry, wrong number(s)

Well the numbers are in from my oncologist appointment on 28 December 2009. My CEA is up to 123 and my weight is down to 130 pounds.

Once again this is the wrong direction from both of these numbers.

I'll talk to my oncologist, Dr. G, on Monday, 11 January 2010, about my CEA, but I think it means the oral chemotherapy is also not working.

Dualing Lists

Below are my Bucket and Anti-Bucket lists (in no particular order). The Bucket List assumes that I will die before the Summer of 2010. The Anti-Bucket List assumes I will live at least twenty more years.

Bucket List	Anti-Bucket List
Take Kyle and Marjorie to swim with dolphins. Discovery Cove now lets children as young as six swim with the dolphins, so we'll probably go there.	Everything on the Bucket List
Teach Kyle to ride a bike.	Learn Japanese.
Teach Kyle to swim (properly).	Climb Mount Fuji.
Visit Chicago again.	Scuba dive the Great Barrier Reef.
Visit Tampa again.	Visit the Aquarium in Barcelona in Spain.
Go scuba diving.	Learn to Juggle five juggling pins.
Juggle with some friends.	Dance at my son's wedding.
Go skydiving.	Hold my first grandchild in my hands.
See or talk to as many of my friends as possible.	Visit the Valley of the Kings in Egypt.
Visit the Smithsonian. - DONE, thank-you Elinor, Mark, Gwen, Morgan, and Evan.	Gain 30 pounds.
See the FSU Circus one more time.	Celebrate my grandfather's 100th birthday.
Go see another Cirque du Soleil performance.

Irrational Numbers

I had my most recent doctor's appointment on Monday, 14 December 2009.

My weight is down to 135 pounds and my CEA went up to 87. This is the wrong direction for both of these numbers; my weight needs to increase and my CEA needs to drop.

However, my oncologist, Dr. G, says that the CEA measurements are not that "telling" during the first month of treatment. He said the CEA from Monday's appointment will be more meaningful.

Keep your fingers crossed.

Update: I just talked to my doctor - my CEA from Monday is 81. Not a great improvement, but at least it didn't go up.

Not exactly what I wanted to hear

On Tuesday, 8 December 2009, Marjorie and I drove over to Tampa to the Moffitt Cancer Center. (If it comes to it, Moffitt would be where I would go for a Phase 1 Clinical Trial.)

After filling-out tons of paperwork, we met with the doctor. She explained that being in a clinical trial was less about making the patient better and more about tweaking the dosage and schedule of a new cancer drug. It's kinda like donating your body to science - you're not going to get much benefit from the "experience", but you will be making the world a (slightly) better place.

Of course, this isn't really what I wanted to hear, but if my current treatment doesn't work, I will still sign-up for a trial. That way, this whole cancer thing won't be a total loss.